What. The. Fuck.

Okay, I didn't want to make a blog of this particularly like some fucking high school kid but I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I want to get it out of my head before I leave for the evening. 

I was just sort of idly clicking around on Facebook, and I suddenly discovered the Facebook version of blogs (these "note" things). Specifically, the "Notes" of the girl who recently dumped me. 

I swear I wasn't snooping, or FB-stalking, nothing like that. But something caught my eye and before I knew it I was reading about how she was so tired of being single, wondering what love was, listing all these things she loved about love, on and on. These had all been written like a month before our first date.

And I'm now sitting here with an industrial-size shitload of what the fuck, because this girl had it all handed to her on a silver platter and she didn't want it. She sent it back. With a note. 

Now I swear I was being pretty restrained with the whole "let's mock up a thing" bit. I really was. Granted, I was a little giddy at first, but even that wasn't overwrought. I was very careful not to run roughshod all over this chick and get ahead of myself. 

As I've alluded to elsewhere, the exception on this (and a fairly big one) was that we got nekkid a bit too soon. But that wasn't my idea, it was hers. And that's the big WTF, here. There was OBVIOUSLY an attraction there, okay. It's not like I was pursuing someone I had no business pursuing. She was digging it. 

Until she wasn't. I don't send her a lot of comm lately, but she doesn't even return a "Merry Christmas" text; that's kind of fucked. She's totally backed out. 

Now, I know the mechanics of this so I do know what's going on, in part. What I don't get is, well, what the hell was so wrong with me that I could be nearly everything she wanted in a man and still fall short? 

Because I've spent a good portion of my life learning what the ladies like or want and knowing how to provide it. They all say they want ______ in a man and so I incorporate that into my actions. It's not even like it's some "trying too hard" thing. I'm not "trying hard" at all. I'm simply providing what apparently is needed and wanted. It's really not complicated.

(Of course, if what they want is six-pack abs and shit like that, well, I don't have those at present. But if they're THAT shallow, I'm not interested anyway.)

Somehow it's hasn't been enough, and THAT is what I do not understand. 

Fuck. Maybe it's just the whole romanticism thing. Maybe it was a young girl who doesn't know what she wants, or some shit. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could fix it. Not with her, necessarily, but for the future. 

Why the Great Recession Gives Me Hope for Humanity

Today I read an article about the surprising changes seen by department store Santas in the kids' wishes. Instead of wishing for toys, they were asking for socks, shoes, eyeglasses. Yeah, it's sad that someone as young as five would be asking Santa for a job for his father, but I tend to look on the bright side of things.

America is learning some hard lessons right now, but by so learning, I think we can expect something of a Renaissance of Western culture and more to the point, a resurgence of what makes America great.

Look at what the Depression did for America, what it gave  (at least from what I can tell): People who knew the value of a dollar, who understood that hard work and general productivity was essential to survival, people who learned and proved their mettle by surmounting obstacles and making things go right in spite of all. These people were tough, they were effective, they were honest, and they weren't whiny assholes.

I do realize I speak in broad generalities and gross simplicities, but hear me out.

The current "Entitlement Generation", to me, smacks of the Victorian-Era "idle rich"; and we all know how those guys turned out. Anyone who thinks the world owes them anything is going to be getting a ruder-than-usual surprise if they're just hitting the job markets around now.

Compared to Generations X and Y, kids today are facing some tough shit, it's true. And it does make me a little sad, that a lot of kids are having to grow up a little faster. But only a little sad. Because prolonging childhood into the 20s hasn't done the world that much good. It's just given us the "Me Generation", the "Entitlement Generation", slackers, emos, it goes on. People, in short, who think they deserve the fruits of civilization simply by having been born in one, rather than by contributing to it.

It's given us reality TV, breast implants, MySpace suicides and Tila Tequila. It's given us a country with a ridiculously disproportionate, twisted set of priorities.

The great men in history got their start early. Part of it was the educational system at the time: until I think the 20th century, schooling often included apprenticeships, which began as young as ten or twelve but rarely older than 14. Or of course the kids in rural areas were intimately involved in the farm work, which is where the current school schedule came from.

The point is, being made to take responsibility at an early age does make for healthier, saner and entirely less emo populations.

In present time, I think it's pretty hard to hide the fact that times are tough from any kid with half a brain. And I truly believe that not only will they learn from parents having to rise to new levels of ingenuity, but they will learn that the same thing is required of them, to make it out there. Knowing early on that the world isn't all rainbows and puppy dogs might make them more determined to make it so.

The children of the last significant economic downturn gave us the moon.

What will the children of today give us?

That time of year again

So it's getting toward the end of 2009, and that means New Year's resolutions.

Some of these are the kind of things that show up every year, and of course when you say it you mean it but by February it's all gone, right?

Well, I really mean all of these things and I'm actually going to make it a personal game to see how many of these I can actually accomplish. I'm going for all of them.

1) Get in shape. This one is predictable, yes. But it's also multi-faceted. I want to get everything sorted, body wise. That means new hearing aid, new glasses; it means losing the gut but also actually being fairly fit, not merely emaciated. It means cutting way down on the alcohol, caffeine, cigarettes, sugar and generally unhealthy food. I'm not going to go total health nut, but there's still definitely room for improvement.

Also getting in shape does mean spiritually as well. I've made some progress on that in the past year, but really not nearly enough -- only really worked on it for two months! This year, I'm getting through all the books and whatnot, that I've been neglecting all this time, but also I'm just going to rock with the other stuff. I'm being vague because most of my readers won't know what I'm talking about; suffice it to say there is a big goal (though not the end) and there are approximately five more steps I have to take to reach it. Ideally I would like to have made the goal by this time next year, but at the very least I want to have made three of those steps.

I really think doing this will help with the next thing.

2) Get into a proper relationship with someone. This one is also a recurring theme, yeah. But it also has a lot of sub-products or sides to it. One of them is I need to really get myself out there, to actually meet someone. This is probably going to mean I have to do a fair amount of girl shopping -- which I kind of hate -- but so be it. The important thing, I think, is to be shopping in the right places. Because I really have not been (until kind of recently).

Ironically though I think the only way I'm going to get what I want here is by not being in such a hurry about it. That's one thing that I learned in my most recent relationship fiasco. I wonder if I hadn't boned her so early, maybe she would've been willing to have a relationship that lasted longer than a weekend. True, if I hadn't done it then, it may never have happened at all, but that's a risk I should start taking. It's not like I'm lacking for sexual experiences here.

It's not just the sex of course, but that was a weird enough thought that I had to share it. Because it's usually not something a guy would consider, ha ha.

3) That of course means I need to be making a lot more money. I've mentioned in earlier blogs, the whole thing about needing to kick things into gear, etc. etc. Well, that's still true, although things HAVE started rolling. It's not a product yet.

It's not just about the money; it's also about doing what I love and want to do in my life. But it does so happen that those things can and should be monetized, too.

So I resolve to do lots of writing and actually start sending things out and around. That's to happen pretty early on, mind. Like before my birthday in March. I want to have stuff out there while I'm working on other stuff.

Also I will get the webcomic truly live online, regularly being updated and acting as an income source.

Also I will be promoting and selling my services as a proofreader, for which I could make some pretty good money.

4) Isn't it kinda cool how these each lead to the next? Because my next resolution is to get my own place (for which I will NEED to be making pretty good money). And by "my own place" I really mean "my own place". No roommates, unless it's the girlfriend mentioned above. MY PLACE. And it can't be some shithole either, but a place I can be proud and happy to live in.

Seriously, I should be able to do this. Fuck the "economy is bad" shit. My car will be paid off this year; my DAY JOB income is going to at least double by March, to say nothing of what I can earn from my other three income sources (proofreading, writing, webcomic). It shouldn't be THAT huge a deal, financially.

Yeah, maybe I'll be lonelier, but fuck it, that will force me to work harder to fix the problem, won't it.

So yeah, I think that covers it for now. But these aren't even resolutions for the END of the year. I think that's another error people make. The end of the next year is far away. I'm gonna target this shit out to happen DURING the year. And most of it done by July.

Anyone else wanna get on board with their resolutions? Come play the game with me!

I am the quiet one

who sits in the corner 

watching

remembering

and someday I may come back 

and write of what I see

and make the night immortal.

Skirting the edge

I was going to write this whole big blog about love - being that my mind is on the subject lately - but after like six drafts it still wasn't happening. And I realized it's because I've been approaching it from the wrong angle. 

What bugs the living shit out of me is how love is made to be so complicated. And I think it's because people don't take responsibility for their own emotions - or even know they can.

See, every time I've fallen in love - and it's only been like two or three times - I've consciously decided to do so. To me, it's relatively simple. If I think I have a chance with the girl, if I like her and all that - well, at some point I decide to love them. 

It's more than just "like a lot". Because how many people do you like a lot - even say you love - but you don't consider having a relationship with them? I've got lady friends that I love, but I'd never have a relationship with them. 

Sure, there are a lot of reasons the whole thing can be made complicated, but to me, simplicity is power. And I get really frustrated when people need to add a whole bunch of shit to things, and most especially this. 

It does seem like the prevailing belief is that love "just happens" or you need to really know someone well before you get into a relationship.  

I disagree, vehemently. TRUE: You don't wanna get married too soon, because being with someone for the rest of your life and raising kids and stuff - you do need to have grown pretty close.  But marriage is a stage in a relationship. You do build up to that. 

Creating a relationship starts a whole lot sooner than that. Even maybe before you decide you love them. Especially in this day and age, people date for years before they get engaged, then they hang around being engaged for a while before finally getting married. There's a lot of time added into it. 

When do you decide to start creating the relationship though? When are you "in a relationship"? When do you fall in love?  

To my way of thinking, that happens pretty early on, provided there is genuine liking and attraction on both sides. If there is, why mess around? 

I'd like to say this doesn't have anything to do with my current life. And in a way, it doesn't. But recent events sure have brought it to mind. 

I just wish it didn't have to be so damned complicated, when it's so simple for me. I know, I grew up in a different world, with different rules. Maybe I'm a fool for expecting them to hold true in this one. 

But love makes fools of us all, doesn't it?

Postscript: No, I have not fallen in love again. It's not safe to, yet. But I could, in a flash. If only things were simpler.