Sunday, March 21, 2010

How not to be lonely when you're alone

or: Solitary Entertainment Doesn't HAVE to be Private (wait, that sounds messed up)

Let me preface this by saying this is not a play for sympathy or any shit like that. This is how it is. I'm used to it, even cool with it. Relax. Being self-aware is a GOOD thing.

I'm apparently not the kind of dude people necessarily want around all the time. I don't know WHY. Maybe dealing with a deaf dude is a pain. Maybe I have a subtle yet disagreeable odor. Maybe I'm funny-looking. Social niceties being what they are, no one tells me. I do have a tendency toward deep thoughts, esoteric insights and unrestricted (often probably completely inappropriate) communication. I can see how this could be offputting and preferable in small doses. (Or maybe it's my self-deprecating humor. In which case I'm really going for full pariah with this blog. *grin*)

Point is, I'm on my own a lot. I used to think this made me a loner, but I actually do like talking to people, exploring, and generally being social. You don't devote over a decade of your life to helping your fellow man without caring a great deal about them. So: Being social + not having company. You know the answer to this equation.

Loneliness is a problem I guess a lot of people have, and each solves it their own way (or they don't, and that way lies madness). Given that a dear friend is currently dealing with a species of this, and that I just LOVE to write about shit anyway, I thought I'd share my personal anodyne. It's not perfect, but I think it's reasonably interesting (yes, I'm aware of the bloated ego. I bitchslap myself regularly to keep it down. Again, relax).

It all boils down to getting out of your own head. Loneliness is the ugly, inbred cousin of boredom. Below are some suggestions. Some may seem best suited to those whose social ineptitude borders on tragic, but hey. Maybe one of those guys will read this and be helped. Or maybe you just never thought of it yourself.

1) Explore: This is one of my favorite things to do. I'll find a part of town that seems interesting and spend hours (if not days), wandering its streets. I'm fortunate perhaps that I live in, you know, one of the biggest cities in the country, so I've lots of places to go. But whatever. I'm willing to bet most people don't venture very far off the beaten track. This is about doing so. Thus:

1a) Take the road not travelled. This is, naturally, provided it is safe for you to do so, but while exploring, try going the back way. Walk the alleys and side streets; seek out the nooks and crannies. This is where the fringe often lives, and the fringe is a lot more interesting (if sometimes a little scary) than the homogenized morass of boutique stores and franchise eateries. It's also quite literally behind the facade. There are insights to be had, if you chose to look. The unbeaten path is where you find the hidden gems; gems make you richer.

2) Talk to people. You're gonna have to use your head on this one. Not everyone can or should be spoken to. That smelly dude with needle tracks who is currently barking at traffic is probably not your best bet. But even clean-cut, good-looking people can be off their nut. They hide it better, but they're certifiable. Watch out for those ones. Especially if you're a dude and there is a pretty girl involved. If you are yourself a pretty girl - well, you've gotta watch yourself for entirely different but no less important reasons.

I think the common denominator of "who to talk to" is how connected they are. How in synch they are, how aware of their environment at that particular moment. If they're distracted or busy, no bueno. But if they're alert and looking around, if they are smiling or generally cheerful looking, chances are they'll be amenable to conversation.

But don't go around with blinders. Remember the fringe. One of the coolest people I met yesterday pretty much lives on the street. But it's by choice; he felt alienated by society so he decided to have minimal part in it.

Talk to people who are trying to solicit money for causes. You don't have to give 'em any. But learn about their cause, about their reasons for endorsing it. Find out what it's about. You'd be surprised what you can learn. It's not always all rainbows and puppies, but you can pull out of that conversation anytime you want.

You don't have to agree with these people, on anything; that's not even the point. The point is to get out of your comfort zone and to meet people. You're not even out there to make lifelong friends (although if you do, great; I've made some friends that way); this is an exercise in immersion. Its purpose is to dispel loneliness, remember.

Bonus Fun Fact: People with pets (usually dogs) are almost always totally willing to discuss their pet in detail. And let you pet the dog, which means you can also get some doggie-love. (No, not bestiality, you sick, sick reader.) Doggie-love makes everything a little brighter.

3) Sit and observe (people watch): I find this most useful (and fun) when I can tweet my observations. I tend to be fairly snarky about this, but it's also useful in training yourself to spot details. This is handy as an artist, but actually it's good in general. For instance, commenting on something you noticed about a person makes a great conversational springboard.

* Since it's generally frowned upon to compliment a strange girl on her breasts (eyes up there, boys), you're going to have to be a bit more observant. And circumspect. Question: How are tattoos like dogs? Answer: People with tats are almost always willing to talk about them. In detail.

Anyway, I digressed back to point 2. Here's an example of point 3 - my tweets from yesterday:
Yes. I have secured a tall, frosty beverage and an eminently suitable observation point. I shall now observe them in their natural habitat.

Naturally, by "them" I am referring to Pasadena passersby. #letthesnarkycommentarybegin

See the A&F-wearing douchebag, unable to muster such common courtesies as asking to sit at my table.

Does that girl know her shirt turns translucent in direct sunlight? #Idontthinkshedoes #iamSOnotcomplaining

Apropos of nothing, "Snark Fodder" is the name of my next band.

Those baby sling things kinda freak me out. They just don't seem SAFE. #idbeagooddaddy

Dude. You didn't need the gallons of ink, piercings, or earpucks to make people look at you. You're so BFU they'd do it anyway. #justsayin

Yes, "BFU" means butt-fuck ugly. #potcallingkettle #iknow

Ok - what the hell SEX are you, skinny hipster creature? Seriously, you've passed by 4 times and I still can't tell.

Oh man, do those guys realize they're MUCH too old to be fashionable? Even dbag "fashion"? Because ew.

I have outlasted the douchebag. Also the sextegenarian human beatbox wannabe. #iwin

Wow. The only way that dude could flame brighter would be rainbow rainment. #straighteyeforthequeerguy
Okay, that was enough "cleverness" outta me. Excuse me, I'm due for some of that bitchslappery, hang on a minute.

4) It's not just about people, you know: If my point 1a didn't make this clear, who's there is only part of the story. What's there is at least another half of it, and finding out why can be quite edifying. This is another aspect of getting out of your own head that I think people overlook.

There's no reason you're required to keep yourself company all the time (see, even I don't wanna hang out with me, lol). Hence the exploration, the roads untravelled. Go on a nature walk, go to an art show, or a museum, or a revival theatre. Don't just sit in a coffee shop near home and read or write (although that's okay in a pinch).

Any time you come across a restaurant or cafe, walk in and look around. Ask to see a menu. Doesn't matter if you're hungry or can even afford it. Just check it out, see what they've got. Check out the decor, the layout. Are the staff friendly and happy to work there? Are they haughty assholes? You can learn a lot about people by observing wait staff. If they're not busy, talk to them. Learn about the place, the food, whatever. If you are hungry, eat! You may uncover a great place to bring a friend later. Once you've, you know. Made some.

Or go into random stores and check out what they sell. Talk to the people who work there. This works best when it's not one of those franchise boutique places. I'm talking about the little shops with character; secondhand bookstores; ethnic places.

* That reminds me: If your city has a "Chinatown" or something like that - a whole "ethnic" area, some culture other than your own -- consider checking it out. If that area is considered "ghetto" or "dangerous", well first of all that's lame, and second of all, forget it. Better lonely than in trouble.

5) In the long run, none of this really replaces actually having friends and a group and all that good stuff. Obviously that's the true and complete cure for loneliness. And it's true that all of this stuff would be more fun with someone than on your own; but come on. In what world is nothing better than something? Not counting VD, smartass.

* * *

I think I've gone on long enough to be tiresome. But seriously - even if you're not particularly alone or lonely, even if you're the most socially connected person in the world: I recommend you do this every now and then. You don't even have to be alone when you do it. But regardless, you won't feel alone when you're done.

Mostly you'll feel tired from all that walking. *grin*

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A weird feeling

I just realized something tonight, and I have to admit it's sort of weirding me out.

See, if you know me at all, you know there's one thing that's pretty much a constant in my life: I'm almost always hung up over some girl.

And right now -- for the first time in a long time -- I really, truly don't have anyone on my radar. Not even looking at the damned thing, actually.

I mean shit, it's not unusual for me to be single -- ha! Being single, it would appear, is my default state! But there's generally someone I have an eye on, you know? Even if I'm being all unrequited or whatever.

Or I'm emotionally at war, my optimistic nature doing battle with the loneliness and angst that is the hallmark of singularity. My public face, I don't usually let that battle show -- and in truth, it's not that hard, being as I am kinda used to the state. But when I'm like that, I tend to be somewhat sour about other peoples' relationships, avoid reminders, that sort of thing. Or I'll throw myself into situations where I can at least maybe get laid.

But in the past few weeks, that whole aspect of my life has just gone away. In its place is a calm, almost zen feeling, this absence of worry, this lack of attention.

Not to say I don't still have an eye for the ladies -- shit, that'll never change -- but more than at any time in memory, it's an appreciation unmarred by want.

The only thing I can equate it to is that thing some people get, that almost smug assertion that "God has a plan for me". I've never liked that, because that kind of passivity frankly drives me bugshit. What about your plans, smug one?

Well. Now I think maybe I sort of understand. No, I don't think "God" has a plan for me, not in the sense of "God" that most would recognize. But without getting into the whole thing, let's just say I know I have a plan for me. And maybe I'm not fully aware of how it'll all play out, lacking as I do any conscious form of omniscience -- but I do know that the game is to have the best life possible.

I'm not the most aggressive person you'll ever meet. I'm not the guy forever hatching Machiavellian schemes to get through life.

But I do play to win.

Monday, March 1, 2010

One A.M.

Awoke from thin and almost febrile dreams involving the smell of stale sweat and re-tweets of people who aren't even on Twitter.

Relieved myself by the dusky light of my toothbrush charger; went downstairs for water. The cold tiles left my feet feeling hot and prickly. In these wee hours I worry as one is wont to do; my leg has been mysteriously hurty lately and now this nerve confusion. In the darkness spectres loom, their names polysyllabic, faux-Latinate. Adult boogeymen, medical terms for poorly understood diseases one hears about on TV doctor dramas.

Got me wondering about cancer, I mean what is it really, what is the *deal* with all these little rogue cells? What are they doing and why is it so bad? And I have to wonder if the disease is actually evolution at work, our bodies attempting to adapt to this toxic world of ours, or even for trials aborning. These cells attempts to proof ourselves from that which is bad for the existing ones. Then cancer is our genetic lines' attempts to become supermen.

And I think well, it's probably not supposed to work that way; structural changes like that happen much earlier in the body's timeline: I.e. In the womb. But how does that make sense I wonder, when the great bulk of toxins will not be encountered until later? When new ones appear on a daily basis? Why wouldn't bodies be in a hurry to defend themselves in their own generation? Cells have no concept of time, why would they be patient?

Also if it is evolution, it's much too early to see real results; assuming it's a response to our industrial world, we've only HAD what, three or four generations, at most? And our genetic entities scramble to keep up with our burgeoning technology, and it kills us in the attempt. So far. But I rather suspect that for every batch of fails, there are some successes. And those are our future.

The failures we cut out because we value a single life more than the Great Genetic Experiment, more than the eventual racial survival. Not saying lives don't matter but on that broader scale maybe the insistence to preserve instead hinders; maybe our determination to solve what we in our short-term think are problems are the actual doom of our race, cutting across (as it does) the natural processes of adaptation, overcoming, survival of fittest.

No wonder I can't sleep, but at least I'm not worried about my leg anymore.

And now it's 2 a.m.

***

Fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, my thoughts tumbling into free verse. Like:

The hug he gave
His former lover
Was short but fierce.
Then he cupped her face
Twixt both hands
And kissed her forehead
Like a benediction
Then the nuclear fires consumed them.

And:

He wrote on the wall:
"We are the six billion shattered shards of God."
And wondered if he were going mad.
Not for what he wrote
But for writing it on the wall.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry