A weird feeling

I just realized something tonight, and I have to admit it's sort of weirding me out.

See, if you know me at all, you know there's one thing that's pretty much a constant in my life: I'm almost always hung up over some girl.

And right now -- for the first time in a long time -- I really, truly don't have anyone on my radar. Not even looking at the damned thing, actually.

I mean shit, it's not unusual for me to be single -- ha! Being single, it would appear, is my default state! But there's generally someone I have an eye on, you know? Even if I'm being all unrequited or whatever.

Or I'm emotionally at war, my optimistic nature doing battle with the loneliness and angst that is the hallmark of singularity. My public face, I don't usually let that battle show -- and in truth, it's not that hard, being as I am kinda used to the state. But when I'm like that, I tend to be somewhat sour about other peoples' relationships, avoid reminders, that sort of thing. Or I'll throw myself into situations where I can at least maybe get laid.

But in the past few weeks, that whole aspect of my life has just gone away. In its place is a calm, almost zen feeling, this absence of worry, this lack of attention.

Not to say I don't still have an eye for the ladies -- shit, that'll never change -- but more than at any time in memory, it's an appreciation unmarred by want.

The only thing I can equate it to is that thing some people get, that almost smug assertion that "God has a plan for me". I've never liked that, because that kind of passivity frankly drives me bugshit. What about your plans, smug one?

Well. Now I think maybe I sort of understand. No, I don't think "God" has a plan for me, not in the sense of "God" that most would recognize. But without getting into the whole thing, let's just say I know I have a plan for me. And maybe I'm not fully aware of how it'll all play out, lacking as I do any conscious form of omniscience -- but I do know that the game is to have the best life possible.

I'm not the most aggressive person you'll ever meet. I'm not the guy forever hatching Machiavellian schemes to get through life.

But I do play to win.