In which I analyze the irrational appeal of Twilight

Ok so I'm writing this because I keep getting my head bit off by older women who loooooove Twilight.

DISCLAIMER: No, haven't read the books or watched the movies. I am emphatically not the target demographic (about which, more later). EDIT - But I have read essentially the Cliff's Notes so I know what happens in these books.

I don't think I know a single person who isn't aware of the Twilight phenomenon. It's like Pottermania for a slightly older crowd (teens and tweens) and a hefty dose of sexuality and hormone-drenched hand-wringing. Actually in terms of sheer fanaticism, Cullen leaves Potter in the dust.

I'm not going to make further comparisons to the respective franchises, because I don't think there's any other way they can properly relate.

From what I can tell, the target demographic was apparently clumsy, plain tweener drama queens -- based on the putative heroine of the books. Swell. Except their moms got into the books as well and this is where I actually start getting really disturbed.

If 40-year-old men went as batshit gaga over a 17-year-old girl, they would be thrown in jail and registered as sex offenders faster than you can say "Megan's Law". In fact, this has already happened. Now granted, that dude is clearly disturbed. *ahem*

Realizing this actually leads me to believe that the liking of Twilight is a cultural thing rather than a simple, inescapable matter of genitalia and chemicals.

Before I get into that, I'd like to float my theory of why Twimoms are so damned defensive about their Robsession: It's because they damned well know it's wrong, it's a double-standard AT BEST and the stories themselves are reprehensible. Based on my encounters, I honestly wonder if they've intelligence sufficient to properly deal with the "guilty pleasure" concept, so instead they invent reasons why the franchise is "wonderful" and "lovely" and why they attack naysayers all out of proportion to the disagreement.

HOWEVER, the people I know who actually are pretty damned smart yet love Twilight, are quite self-aware and entirely comfortable with the fact that it's messed up; they can take criticism of Twilight without it becoming personal.

Anyway. Here's the thing, and I know this might get up peoples' noses a bit. Also it may not be true for everyone. Hell, it might not be true for ANYONE. But as a theory, I think it hangs together pretty well. Here it is:

These women resent their emancipation and wish for the lives their predecessors had. Only they don't wanna admit it because then they'd have to admit they were wrong.*

Cultures change slowly, and it really hasn't been long enough for Women's Lib to have caught on. They're still working out the kinks (as seen in the continuing battle for equal pay for equal work, for example).

Before the '60s, the hats worn by the sexes were pretty clear and straightforward. Women worked until they landed a husband, then they became homemakers and had the care of future generations.

Within the last hundred years, women started calling bullshit (probably because the men's egos were getting big enough to form their own gravity well) and kicking back.

You all know this. But okay look: Women never really turned over their hat as homemakers and child-rearers. Nor can they, frankly - not entirely - men being physically incapable of giving birth. Don't look at me like that - pumping out progeny is where that shit starts.

So ladykind has had to not only continue wearing the hats they've had yea these endless milennia, but now also have to compete with men on more or less the same playing field. That's pretty amazing, when you think about it. I'm willing to bet most men wouldn't choose to step up to that plate short of death or desertion. So if you're thinking I'm a condescending sexist asshole - um. No.

Point is, that's a pretty rough row to hoe, and I for one don't blame 'em for sighing after simpler times.

Back when "all" women had to do was secure the future of the human race, they weren't required to be anything but what they were. They could be silly, clumsy, plain - it didn't matter as long as they could do a reasonable job in the kitchen, with the kids, and when the lights went out. Their apparently small sphere meant such things were not only forgivable but endearing.

But out in the man's world, the world of business and labor, well. Women have to let out their inner bitch, because that world is dog-eat-dog. It's how men like it (because damn it, it's manly) and they made it that way. I daresay it's not quite what they hoped for, those women of the burning bra.

So here comes a series of books about a plain, clumsy dorkgirl who, near as I can tell, wants nothing more than to find a dude who will run the show so she can chill out with her weird little Ridley Scott chest-burster baby.

The dude in question is a complete asshole by all accounts, which is perfect because assholes thrive in the business world. So, y'know. Good provider. And if he smacks you around, it's only because he loves you. Or something.

From a guy's perspective on all this, though, the first question that comes to mind when faced with Twilight is, "How the hell is it right for a 100+-year-old dude to go trolling a high school for pussy?"

* I just want to make clear that it's not that I don't think women can compete with men (because of course they can), and I cast no judgements over whether they should. My entire point here is that our society has not had enough time to get used to the idea or its proper execution. And particularly for women of a certain age, there's likely a certain amount of culture shock.