I was just at the grocery store, picking some stuff up. And there were some totally hot chicks there. And I'm pretty sure I scared one of them. It may have been my expression. It was probably predatory. Like a fox eyeing a chicken. Licking its chops. Drooling.
On the other hand, the other chick looked like she might not mind an advance. It's a crying shame I got tied up at the register, because I would happily have asked for her number.
Where is this all coming from? It's coming from last night, baby.
It was a weird night. Around 10:30 I moseyed on over to my bar. It was a sausage fest of alarming proportions. But the bartender made up for that. Oh, this girl is unbelievably gorgeous. In the cute way, not the haughty "I'm too sexy for this planet" way that is so popular in SoCal. Dark hair, strikingly bright green eyes. Great smile. Very sexy body. Which she had on display in her tiny skirt.
Apparently she and one of the regulars (Tron -- a good guy. Bastard's so ripped he could be an underwear model) have started fucking, because they were pretty much making out all over the bar. Tron was playing pool at a table near mine; she went over to him and started cheesecaking on his table, jumping up onto the edge of the table, leaning back and shaking her boobs. I happened to be lining up a shot just as she crossed her legs. Let's just say I totally fucking missed my shot. Damn.
Anyway, they were interesting enough to keep me there for a couple beers. There was also Jamie, a cute blonde chick. Can't decide whether she's flirting with me or not. It's been a few weeks now, still haven't figured it out. But she doesn't mind me being around, so whatever. She's been drama queen all weekend, so there wasn't much flirting lately. Instead I got to talking with some random dude there; turns out he's a graphic artist, like me, so we end up having a fifteen minute conversation about fonts and graphics programs. He's into Corel, I use Illustrator, etc, etc.
Still and all, in spite of the ongoing softcore porn show behind the bar, I decided to go to my other bar and see what was what there. What was what was that hardly anyone was there, either. Which is just weird, because usually on a Saturday night there are a lot of people there. A few I knew. A Carrie Fisher-lookalike was giggling at me across the bar. She was with a friend and a gentleman with an iron-gray beard had his arms over both their shoulders. I'm pretty sure he was trying to set up a three-way. I went over to her and asked her about it. She giggled some more, said, "I don't know, I'm just going with the flow. I'm easy." She looked up at me and actually batted her eyes.
Now, when I compare her to Carrie Fisher, I'm not talking about Slave Leia. She looks like Carrie Fisher does now. No thanks. I nodded and patted her hand. "I'm sure you are." My teeth are bared, but I am not smiling. Bye bye.
The band was pretty good. I even knew some of the songs they were playing. Such patrons as were there and ambulant were on the floor getting their groove on. The bulk of these were a bevy of South American women. One was playing with her scarf, draping it over her face so just her eyes showed. It was an improvement. She caught me looking at her and crooked her finger at me. I was saved by one of her friends distracting her.
I circulated around the bar a few times, making small talk with the staff and some of the people I knew. Suddenly someone was at my elbow. It was one of the SouthAm women. Up close her crow's feet made her look almost Asian. She said, "A lot of people are looking at you."
Great, I'm about to be mauled by a pack of cougars, I thought. "Is that so," I said instead.
"Yes," all smiley. "What's that you're drinking?"
"Rum and coke."
"Wow, that is such a coincidence. I'm from Guatemala and we make rum there."
Holy crap, it's a sign! We must be made for each other! Ravish me now, cougar lady. "That's cool. What's it called? Can you get it here?"
"No, no, I don't think so. They're local. But it's the best rum."
"Well, I'll be sure to ask about it if I'm ever in Guatemala." Right, give me the no-name rum that the cougars like. It's the best stuff.
"Would you like to join us? There are five of us here."
Why yes, I can count, thanks. "Hmmm." What the hell -- what else am I doing? And only one of them is actually gross. "Sure, why not? Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Those names have way too many fucking syllables. I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna remember them. I'm not even sure I'm going to want to. Oh, I said, sorry, I'm not getting your names. It's too loud, I'm deaf, it's how it is." Actually, a couple of them don't look that much older than me. That one, I make 35, tops. That one could actually be my age. But damn, she's tall. They grow 'em big down there. Hel-lo Amazon woman.
The women arrayed themselves on stools around the booth, most of them wearing their coats. "Oh, you were about to go? That sucks. Come on, you guys were checking me out, now's your chance. Sit down, relax!" They did.
I hate the questions that inevitably come next. I hate asking them, I hate being asked them. But they always happen. It's part of the trifecta: "What's your name", "what do you do", "do you live around here". Sometimes "do you come here often" replaces "do you live around here". But they're always asked. It's inescapable.
Then the band started playing Sweet Home Alabama. You can't not dance to that song. And here I was with five women. "Hey, I like this song."
"You wanna dance? With all of us?"
Someone please get a camera. This shit needs to go on YouTube. "Yeah, let's hit the floor!"
The began. And it was fun. There was no thought on my part of getting it on with any of these women, so I could just enjoy myself. Two of them sat down after the second song, so for the third I gave them lap dances. They were two of the younger girls (although "younger" was still older than me). The youngest had been pretty distant, but she warmed up after that.
Then there was the girl in yellow. Her, I danced with more than the others. She was short and had hazel eyes and a nice laugh; she was probably about 35.
We pretty much danced until last call. My legs were, by then, killing me with malice aforethought and my forehead was sheened with sweat. I am sadly, sadly out of shape. I seriously need to deal with that.
The girls all got the coats back on, I made my goodbyes as everyone went outside. The woman who first spoke to me said, "You like my friend, don't you?"
"Eh?"
She pointed. The girl in yellow was standing by the car. "Go kiss her."
I did a double take. "You're seriously telling me to mack on your friend?"
"We'll wait in the car," she said, suiting action to her words. It was just me and yellow girl.
"Thanks for the dancing," I said. "It was nice to meet you." We hugged. "Your friend said I should kiss you," I laughed. She tipped her eyes up at me, her lips quirking. "Oh," I said. "You actually want me to kiss you. Cool, okay."
What followed was hands-down the best kiss I've had since 2006. When we broke, we were both pretty dazed. "Whoa damn."
"We need to do that again," she said. "But only once, or the girls will get mad."
"Hells yes," I said.
After a few minutes: "You know, I really don't live far. You could totally..."
"No, I'm driving," she said.
"Heh. I could go with you, then."
She was actually considering it when the first lady appeared at my elbow again. "No no," she said. "You have to get to know us first. We're not... We're not... not..."
"Sluts?" I offered.
"Yes, sluts. We're not sluts. You have to get to know us first."
"What do you think I'm trying to do? I want to get to know her very intimately." She put her hands on her hips and gave me that stern look women do. Yellow slipped out of my arms and got in the car. "Are you seriously cock-blocking me now? After you threw me at her?"
"Call her later. We need to go now."
"Call her?" I protested as she got in the car. "How the hell am I going to do that? I don't have your number?" They backed out, waving at me. "You gonna give me your number?"
Yellow smiled sweetly at me and waved. Then they drove off.
What the fuck?
There's a 7-11 across the street; I went in. "Can you still sell beer this late?"
"You've got about ten minutes, yeah."
"Ring 'em up."
Guy stirring coffee: "Dude, you were on fire out there."
"What?"
"That was you just now, in the parking lot? I saw you at McClure's, too. You get her number?"
"No man, her friend cockblocked me and they drove off."
"Ah, sucks man. She was really into you."
"Fuckin'... I could see myself getting it on with her," I replied. "I suppose. I'm getting tired of being cougar bait but this chick wasn't that much older than me."
"No yeah, she was like 35, tops." He was still stirring the coffee.
One of the 7-11 guys came up, holding yesterday's unsold doughnuts. "Guys want free?"
"Yeah, sure," I said, helping myself. "Anyway, what's up with that," I continued, for the benefit of the other guys, who looked like they hadn't seen a real vag since birth. "She was the one that threw me at the chick, and then she cock blocks me? But that girl in yellow, she was a damned good kisser..."
Dude was still stirring the damned coffee. "I think they come here now and then, you'll see them again."
"Thing is, I don't go there that often. Say, if you see them, would you give them my number for me? Or get theirs for me?"
"Oh sure," he replied. "Be happy to."
"Cool," I said, and walked out of the store, secure in my knowledge that some random drunk guy who I've never met before would help me take care of business.
It didn't occur to me until I got home that I hadn't given that guy my number, either. So much for that idea.
The rest of the night is kind of a haze. I watched "How I Met Your Mother" and slammed back the whole six pack. I smoked some cigarettes, I went to the bathroom a lot. I fell down three times. Fortunately not while I was going to the bathroom.
At some point I fell asleep. I could still smell Yellow's scent, could still taste her.
I really hope next time I see her, I don't discover that alcohol was all that made her attractive. I mean, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to score with a chick like the hot bartender, but I've still got some kind of standard... But still, whatever. Those kisses were bloody amazing. Hence my good mood today.
Now I just gotta work on the predatory thing. Predatory bad.
If you ever get it on with this "Yellow", you might want to try to remember her name... just a tip. :)
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