Saturday, January 31, 2009

Time to make some dough

So my household has recently had a financial catastrophe visited on us. 

Actually, it wasn't exactly an act of God or something.  My mom, for reasons that seemed (and mostly were) good at the time, racked up an obscene amount in credit card debt.  

Now, there's nothing wrong with what she spent it on (which is not my place to disclose, not because it was bad, immoral or anything else; just not getting into it here); what was wrong was that in doing so she was spending far beyond her means based largely on money she hoped to be making this year.  

She has been quietly freaking out for the past month  because, as so often happens, the hopes were not bearing fruit on schedule. 

Unfortunately, this combined with her already-stressful job are really taking a toll on her.  To extents that I was unaware of (since she's been taking pains to hide this from me).  Upshot is, my mom suddenly needs a lot more help than I'd been giving her. 

Now, one of the reasons I live with her is precisely to make life easier for -- well honestly, for both of us.  But by me living with her, I can take care of most of the bills so she doesn't have to pay any, as well as handling various chores and errands for her, which allow her to focus on her job.  

I'll be honest: My primary focus in the past year or so HAS been to get on my own two feet and be entirely self-sufficient.  Having essentially put my life on hold in many ways for 11 years -- and then recovering from the aftermath of that time -- I really wanted to get out there and live the way I always wanted to.  

But I needed to deal with a few things first. My mom has been helping me with some of that. Other items included paying off some debts so I could get out there with a relatively clean slate. 

Well, it does look like those plans have taken a setback, because in order to keep my mom afloat, I've gotta get a second job now, the income from which will pretty much go to her credit card debt.  And in addition, because of the urgency of the matter, my pastoral counseling (which she was administering and which was one of the things I needed to complete before getting out) is on hold while we both hustle to build up some dough.  

Depending on the hours of said job, this may also cut into my writing time.  Which means THOSE plans are endangered, too.  And given the writing is how I intend to justify my existence, that's a scary thought.  

I'm optimist enough to know that it's all going to turn out okay.  Hell, this could be a huge opportunity in some ways. And I'm sure I can eke out an hour or so a night to keep plugging at the book.  

But the foreseeable future is going to be hellaciously busy. And I do so value my quiet time. So yeah, I'll have to admit I'm a little pissed at my mom right now. She really didn't think things through and that's never cool. But there's little I can do about it but step in and wear my man hat: my Provider and Protector hat. 

I just never thought I'd have to wear it for my bloody mother. Or that I would have to take it on so soon.  And I was kinda hoping I could have a little "fend for myself" time first.

Oh well.  But now you know what's going on, and if I'm around less, that's why.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm not a poet

But there's this group I'm in on MySpace that's found a sudden obsession with poetry, and everyone's expected to contribute. 

Thing is, I've written like two poems in my life. And two songs. Those latter two, I was like six.  I performed them to my stepdad's piano accompaniment. I've got them on CD now. 

But those poems. Those were done rather more recently, since my divorce. One was, predictably, about my ex-wife, what I wish I could have said to her but couldn't, never did.  It was called Words Unsaid. Funny thing: No one else ever read that one. And now I haven't any copies. 

The other, which is not about my ex-wife, I do have, and I have to admit, I actually considered posting it, because it's all I have and everyone else was doing it, right? I even polished it up a little. But I said I wouldn't post it there, so I won't. 

Thing is about poetry, it's a lot of things but near the top of the list is cathartic. I wrote Time Was in an effort to move on. That means it's not exactly cheerful.  And really, it's never been my thing to be publicly down. I can handle being angry in public, but lower than that... it's too easy to start whining, right. And no one likes a whiner, myself especially.

But it's two years or so later, and I guess I've moved on as much as I'm likely to.  I'm not all vulnerable anymore.  

Time was you'd call me
Time was we'd talk
Time was we held each other
in the dark

Time was I made you laugh
when everything was all right
Time was we held hands
in the moonlight

Time was you turned to me 
when things were going rough
that was back when you felt
my advice was enough

Time was you'd text me
about every little thing
and I was always expecting
that my phone would ring

Time was I'd come home
to messages from you
In those days it seemed our talk
was never really through

You woke up something in me
that I thought had gone
You made me believe I could love
again, I didn't have to be alone

I'd been shut off, you turned me on
It was you who reached to me
And in that reach I dared see hope
I suddenly believed

Now those times are over
You've got another love
Amidst the ashes of memories
I see that I was wrong

I wish that time was to you
what it was to me
I know now that I misconstrued
But I didn't want to see

Time was 
But not anymore
And the world has grown
a little darker

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I is for...

It's been awhile since I've blogged so I'm doing two today, both of which will be on the abecedarian* list.  

I is for Income Tax!  

Yes! Because it's that time of the year again, as a million pieces of junk mail, banner ads and spam emails make painfully clear.  We gotta get it done early, we gotta get the maximum refund, we gotta do it from the convenience of our own home, and for free using this infallible special software! Or else we gotta visit the friendly staff at H&R Block, who will happily take a large bite out of your refund for the privilege of filling out a few fields of their electronic forms. Most of which are already filled in from last year! What a deal

Last year I paid them roughly $200 for ten minutes' work and a significantly smaller refund than I was hoping for.  Don't know whether they're to blame for that but I still wasn't all that happy about it. I haven't decided whether I'll do that again, frankly. I know piss-all about doing my taxes, so yeah, I probably will have to bite the bullet. At least I can be fairly certain of a refund, rather than actually owing. Because that would just suck

But none of that is the actual subject of my blog.  I'm not even going to get into the inherently anti-Constitutional nature of Income Tax itself.  Nope, this is about the "gotta laugh or I'll cry" condition of the state treasury.  

California, as probably everyone has heard, is going bankrupt by the end of February.  This is the alarming news trumpeted from news headlines and on talk radio, but no one seems to want to say how this will affect the common man -- except in one fashion: Supposedly the state wants to give us I.O.U.s for our state tax return this year.  

I'm guessing Schwarzenegger ain't getting reelected. Hell, I'd be surprised if he even runs.

Okay, that's silly enough but then I get this thingy in the mail the other day.  It's some weird, nigh incomprehensible form (I don't speak bullshit -- also known as legalese), but near as I can see, it indicates how much money I got last year for my state tax return, and warns me that I must report this amount or face penalties. 

So, wait -- let me get this straight: The State of California considers my tax return to be taxable income?  I'm going to have to check this out with someone who knows, but that's sure what it looks like right now. 

Am I missing some vital datum when it comes to tax returns? Because I thought they gave me money back because I overpaid them.  So that would mean it's not additional income, but a return of previously earned income.  It's like buying a toaster, finding it defective, and getting your $30 back from the store.  How is this "new income"?  If anything, it's still money lost because of the added time and effort -- and that's just the toaster metaphor; I gotta pay some dude to do my taxes, so I'm totally losing money to get my bloody tax return. 

I know there are no easy answers in politics, the way things are now. Everything is all complicated and there are special-interest groups all over the damned place.  Everyone wants a piece of the pie, everyone wants their laws in place which may have intended or unintended consequences for someone else. If nothing else, money is spent and since money is poorly understood and fucks mightily with peoples' heads anyway, our country and every part of it is currently strapped for cash (apparently).  

I know these guys do not have an easy job, that they're only human. But for fuck's sake, can they not think?  For the money I'm giving them -- the money everyone is giving -- I frankly expect a lot better service. But we all know what happens at the DMV, for example. 

Personally, I'd agree that a government has to be supported; that's fine and good and understandable. But when the government turns it into extortion and yet searches for still other means to live off the sweat of my brow, other than by properly providing valuable services, that's when I start to disagree. No, I don't think my money is being wisely spent. If it were, California would not be facing bankruptcy. 

Go ahead. Disagree. I wanna hear your reasoning.  I will grant that I myself, couldn't do a better job -- but I never said I could. Those in power, who are not overwhelming me with their awesomeness, did. So yeah, I do feel somewhat justified in stepping back and saying WTF. 

This is not a call to arms. I'm not advocating treason against state or country. I don't advise anyone break any laws -- quite the opposite.  I just wish, as I always wish, that the stupidity would go away. I've better things to do.  We all do.


*Abecedarian means of or pertaining to the alphabet. In case you didn't know.

H is for...

Hancock, which was probably my favorite movie of 2008. 

"Gasp," you say.  "You've got to be kidding -- in the Year of the Bat, you picked Hancock?!"

And the answer is: Actually, yeah.  

Don't get me wrong, The Dark Knight was awesome in so many ways. It broke all kinds of conventions, it brought the superhero genre a little closer to reality and it made a hell of a powerful sociological statement. 

It will go down as one of the best movies of all time. I truly believe that.  

"Well then what about Iron Man? You choose Will Smith over Robert Downey, Jr.? Jason Bateman over Jeff Bridges? Charlize Theron over Gweneth Paltrow?"

Well yeah actually -- if I'm gonna be hot for a blonde, as unlikely as that sounds -- it's way more likely to be Theron than Paltrow.  But I truly did love Iron Man, even though I'm not particularly a fan of the comic.  It was a good movie, had a lot of fun and brilliantly brought the characters to life. Add to that the cameos and tie-ins and all the plans for the future -- Iron Man was absolutely fantastic.  I bought the DVD as soon as it turned up on the bargain table at Blockbuster.

Now before you interject again and start bringing up all the Oscar bait and whatnot (incidentally I haven't seen ANY of the movies nominated for best picture. How's that for irony?), let me explain why I picked Hancock

For one thing, it starts with "H" and I needed an H word for my blog.  

Ha ha nah, that's just why I'm writing about it.  The actual reason I consider Hancock my favorite is because they tried something new.  It was something completely original in a multitude of ways, and all concerned in its creation were terrifically brave and utterly brilliant to bring this film to the screen.  

Perhaps you have to be a super hero aficionado like myself to appreciate what they've done. Or maybe a science fantasy buff, again like myself.  Hancock did something that I myself aspire to do: Introduce the public to an entirely different take on super heroes, or even people with more-than-human abilities.  

True, they did succumb to a few of the tropes that I intend to avoid, but that was in no way bad. Some touchstones are necessary, after all.  But they worked out a completely new mythology; they went where no one has gone before by really showing a down-and-out superhuman, really showing the loneliness and pain that would go with a scenario like that, and the shifts a man would take to try to relieve himself of that burden.  

They gave him a truly unique weakness, and allowed him to be the real hero not by dint of his powers or by beating up the bad guy, but by making a sacrifice of the heart, for the greater good of others. 

They also weren't afraid to have a little fun, but they managed it without being goofy or stupid. The humor was entirely and perfectly in character all around. People talk about how the movie got all serious in the second half, how it stopped being funny. Fools, the movie's tone didn't change. The funny was because the titular character was drunk! He wasn't hamming it up; he didn't care. Nothing changed except he got sober and grew a conscience. 

The movie also showed that heroes need help, too, and regular people can be heroes in their own right, just by being good and decent people.  That's a message that America needs to have drilled into their minds, Clockwork Orange style. Sadly, that need (and Hancock's sad lack of true blockbuster status) demonstrates the country isn't ready for that. 

I haven't really touched on the performances, which were all quite good.  I'd highly recommend the movie even if you're somewhat cynical about another Will Smith vehicle.  Don't see it or avoid it because of that. Watch it because it's something different.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Learn to DRIVE!

Just had to take a moment for a rant, get it out of my system. 

What is UP with the freakin' drivers around here lately?  I mean, they've always sucked in various ways, but all of a sudden it's like a new law went into effect requiring four car lengths between cars on the freeway, regardless of speed. And what that means is everyone's going 45 mph on the freeway, no matter how much space they have between them and the car ahead.  

Did I miss something? Has the state speed limit been reduced?  Or maybe everyone's trying to save gas? Even though it's cheaper now than it was three, four months ago?  

Add to this the strange and frustrating tendency to match speeds with cars on either side, which makes it difficult if not impossible to get around these idiots. That's a lot to deal with in the morning before coffee, to say nothing of after work when I just wanna get home.

Ironically, the laws enacted in recent months to improve freeway performance seem to have actually made things worse.  You know people aren't supposed to be talking on their cells OR texting while driving anymore. It's the law.  You're supposed to have a bluetooth, right? My understanding was, this was meant to reduce accidents and poor driving.  Well I wonder if all of these dipshits actually are using a bluetooth and they're still driving like someone's 90-year-old senile grandmother from Florida.  

It gets worse. Some people have begun to bring their crappy freeway habits to the surface streets.  That's right: Let's have three car lengths or so on Buttfuck Blvd., and go 25 instead of 35 or 40. 

Seriously people, I understand you're all a bunch of morons on the road and always have been. I know you have to protect your precious vehicular investments or the legitimately important contents thereof.  I know money's tight and gas is only really cheap when it's the result of a visit to Taco Bell.  I get all that; I even kind of share the financial concerns and the desire to not die. 

But if you don't hurry the fuck up or get out of my way, I'll bloody kill you myself. 

[/rant] I feel better now.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

G is for...

God. 

As in, tell me all your thoughts on.  As in, what if He/She/It was one of us. As in, Oh. 

I don't supposed I could have picked a more controversial subject, eh?

My religion doesn't have any specific dogma on this subject. Each person is sort of expected to work it out for themselves.  

Someone I met in a bar last week made an interesting point that a person's relationship between themselves and God is in fact between themselves and God, not the whims or dictates of some organization external from oneself. And if that same external source were able to change or affect said relationship, it must not have been very strong.  

This was her argument against organized religion.  To me, it's an argument against blind faith. 

Blind faith is really my only problem with religion of any kind, very much including my own. 

I don't care what your beliefs are, just so long as you arrived at those beliefs after personal examination and a conscious decision on your own part to believe or to think that way. Your reasons for so doing are your own business, but to shift responsibility elsewhere for your decisions, beliefs or actions is, to me, the most foul of blasphemies.

As far as I'm concerned, absent any objective proof, any theory or belief in God or a Supreme Being would be as good as any other. Whether you sincerely believe in Jesus Christ or the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- if the belief makes you a better person and gives you what you need in life, and it doesn't negatively affect the lives of others, then you're not going to get any shit from me. Even though I probably won't share your affection for noodly appendages.

My own personal thoughts on God? I've honestly got a lot of thoughts, but I think they're best distilled to: God is love. 

That simply HAS to be the case, under the existing definition of what a god is. For a being to be omnipotent and omniscient, that being would therefore have to love completely. Because understanding comes about through the fullness of affinity, reality and communication. 

Thus, the more fully one can love (oneself, others, animals, the planet, etc.), the closer one may come to God. The more you love, the  more real things become, the more you understand. 

The absence of love -- or the active rejection of it -- would obviously draw one further away. The less you love, the less real things become, the less you understand.

People who want to be closer to God, do so because they rightly see this as a desirable change to their current state. 

Many complexities can be -- and are -- added to all of this, but as far as I can tell, this is the simple truth that forms the nucleus of all religions. And since they all say essentially the same thing, what is the point of argument? People get so caught up in the divergent practices (without considering the source and reason for those practices) that they forget the single, simple basic truth that binds us all together.

I have a lot more to say on this, but the rest of it diverges quite sharply from the cultural norm, so I'll leave it at that. 

Heavy thoughts, yeah. But hey, it's Sunday. People usually think of God on Sundays, neh?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

F is for...

Well, obviously...!

In all its meanings, variations and connotations, the word fuck has touched my life repeatedly over the years. 

I have fucked things up, been fucked over, fucked it all, been both fucker and fuckee and I am prone to bouts of pure fuckery.  I have not given a fuck, have invited others to take a flying fuck (through a rolling doughnut, no less), fucked the dog (not literally, although one of my cousins knew a guy), fucked around, fucked sideways, frontways and upside down.  That last one was pretty memorable, I might add.

My favorite monologue ever contained roughly four dozen distinct uses of the word.  It was fuckin' funny. 

My nephew, when he was three, greeted myself and his grandmother in public by shouting, "Oh fuck! It's grandma!"  It was a proud moment. Only, not for his mother.

Better men than I have commented widely on the word and its uses; all I'd have to add is in spite of what some people seem to think about it, fuck truly is a wonderful word. And that's as it should be, since the activity it describes as its primary definition is, face it, a wonderful activity.  

Oooh, have I any prudes amongst my readership?  Why should fucking be repugnant?  Sure, it can get ugly. It can get perverted and stupid and violent.  Sure, it's not something you really wanna get stuck thinking about all day, every day.  Because if nothing else, you'd chafe, and that's just no fun. 

I certainly agree that it's not the best thing since child-proof caps (seeing as it, naturally, predates child-proof caps), but you'd have to be -- dare I say it -- fucked up not to be able to appreciate a good fuck every now and again.  

That's all I'm saying.  Add to that the aforementioned versatility of the word and really, why not?  It's the fucking Swiss Army Knife of the English language! 

So take a moment to appreciate this great fucking word.  

Sunday, January 4, 2009

E is for...

Egregious.  

It's your new word for the day. 

Or maybe it's not a new word for you.  How the hell do I know?  

It's odd: For the most frequently-used letter in the English language, there really aren't that many good "e" words that spring to mind just now. 

Except for the -- wait for it -- egregious use of the letter as a prefix.  

Is anyone else tired of hearing or reading about things being "e-" or "i-"?  It's an electronic device.  It can do shit online.  We get it. Come up with a new fucking schtick, already. Like not using stupid-cute but ultimately useless prefixes to tell us what your doohickey does.  Instead, why don't you come up with a descriptive name for your doohickey, hmm? Your marketing people went to college, you pay them three to six times what I earn, in spite of my obviously superior worth, so bloody put them to work, why don't you?

Another thing that just happens to be bugging me right now is the ads on MySpace.  They have also annoyed me in the past, and I've no doubt whatsoever they will continue to annoy me long into the future.  I know I'm sort of repeating myself, having recently blogged about my disgust with the gratuitous advertising. But in that it IS in fact gratuitous and widespread, it stands to reason I would get rankled by it anew.

Just now I'm getting tired of being told what Thomas Dekker's IQ is. For months now, on a daily basis, I'm told how smart he is, and exhorted to learn how I stack up against him. I didn't know who the hell Thomas Dekker is.  Moreover, I had no idea why I should care.  Finally I look it up and learn it's the kid who plays John Connor on the Terminator TV show.  

Still haven't learned why I should care.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

All the cool kids are doing it

It's time for the Day One 2009 blog.  

I rang in the new year in style last night; my local bar was doing a theme party (Pimps & Hos) so I got dressed up.  I don't have any pimpin' clothes per se, but I wore my black suit with one of my blue shirts, opened the collar wide to reveal my shark-tooth necklace.  

I really wish I'd gotten some pictures. I looked pretty damned good, and it wasn't just myself saying it.  I got a lot of attention -- not all of it welcome.  But the welcome attention was very welcome indeed. 

One girl in particular really kind of blew my mind. Beautiful, smart and funny, and very comfortable in her own skin, which is a lot less common in SoCal than you might think.  She gave me my New Year's kiss, and a very good kiss it was indeed.  

She was in pretty bad shape by the end of the night, so I really hope she remembers me. Except for the part where the cougar was trying to lick my tonsils.  I really hate it when they pounce just when I've become too drunk to properly resist.  And in public.

Unfortunately I didn't get her number or give her mine (no, not the cougar, the other girl). I rather wish I had, but her descent into glassy-eyed lolling was unexpected and rapid.  A pity, but it's not unlikely we'll meet again, and then I'll rectify that. 

A different girl did get my phone number, but while this one was also mind-bendingly beautiful, I'm not sure really where that would go. She asked for my digits, I gave them to her in friendship, because we did have fun talking, but she mentioned having three kids and appeared to have a guy, so I don't know what capacity I'd be serving there. But hot damn did I enjoy looking into her eyes and watching her smile. Having beautiful friends is never a bad thing! 

Aaaaand the less said about the unwelcome attention the better.  All I'm going to say is, it was only unwelcome in the cold light of dawn after the foamy beer tide has receded.  For the first time ever, I'm thankful to a cock blocker.  I don't know who the blocker was protecting -- me or the cougar -- but I'm really glad she did. Not because the cougar was hideous or anything, but because she's a cougar. And probably cheating on someone. And her laugh makes me want to rupture my own eardrums. But most importantly, because I'm done with the one-nighters, with meaningless, empty sex. 

Which brings us quite naturally to the New Year's resolutions! 

1) Well, I already mentioned the "no more being a slut" thing so it may as well be first. It's actually not really a problem most of the time; I haven't shagged a (relative) stranger in many, many months. But the thing here is, I don't want to shag a stranger ever again.  From now on when I get it on with someone, it's gotta mean something. Obviously this would mean I'd need to find someone, too -- but that's actually not my main focus in life right now.

2) This is actually the most important resolution: Get my book published and write at least two more. Most important because this is my future. 

3) I do want to get in shape before I move out of the OC.  That means continuing to decrease my cigarette and alcohol consumption, losing as much of the gut as I can, and actually getting in shape

4) I'd like to be independent again. Have my own place, pay all my own bills.  But it's gotta happen in such a way that it's a major upgrade, so I'm capable of not only supporting myself but also others. Which means those books I talked about are going to have to sell for a nice chunk of change. 

5) I'm going Clear this year.  This isn't going to mean anything to those of my readers who aren't Scientologists, but it's kind of a big deal and something I really should have done years ago.

2008 was a year of wrestling my life back on track.  There've been some missteps, but overall, looking back, I've made great progress on nearly every front.  

2009 is the year the plans come to fruition, the year of major changes and the actual attainment of goals.  

A friend of mine included her wishes for those close to her in her resolutions.  I don't really have anything specific along those lines, so I'll simply say that I hope everyone else's dreams come true in 2009.